not so serious..

i do not consider myself witty and neither do i consider myself as someone who can move you to tears over a coreny yet well-delivered joke. nope. i'm just not it.

but i can be really talkative. and i can really be very serious when i talk about my passion, my "what drives me."

my passion drives me to excel. it drives me to perform. it drives me to go the extra mile. it drives me to extend a helping hand, to provide a comforting nudge, to give out a hint of acknowledgment, to... love.

i love. perhaps the word that has been closest to my heart since i knew how to read and write was love. i knew it even way before i myself have been 'asked' to define it. i have been blessed with love ALL my life yet sadly there were times when my view of love was distorted. i became selfish and... self-vindictive at the same time. i took pride in "getting" a fair share. i wallowed in an unseemingly unquenchable thirst for fulfillment. i lived a lie.

but now no more. i must say that it really feels GREAT to be free. i am not happy, i am GLAD to be free.. to be controlled yet not strangled, to be accountable yet not surveilled.

serious? i can't believe what i've just written but i guess, that's everything there is in my heart at this very moment.

i'm dumbfounded yet rattling, babbling at the same time.

must be love... made anew.

thank you, lee layson, for being God's instrument. i will forever be grateful to the Father for you, my beloved friend.

thank you, momsie melanie, for covering me with your prayers, your love and your godly counsel.

thank You, Dear God, for my family, and for guiding me, protecting me and sending me people with whom i can share Your most wondrous, merciful, "pure, holy and blameless" kind of love.

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"
-2 Corinthians 5:17

not my way... :)

From Wikipedia... on freedom being "Inner Autonomy":

"Freedom can also signify inner autonomy, or mastery over one's inner condition. This has several possible significances:^[1]

• the ability to act in accordance with the dictates of reason;
• the ability to act in accordance with one's own true self or values;
• the ability to act in accordance with universal values (such as the True and the Good); and
• the ability to act independently of both the dictates of reason and the urges of desires, i.e. arbitrarily (autonomously).

"Especially spiritually-oriented philosophers have considered freedom to be a positive achievement of human will rather than an inherent state granted at birth. Rudolf Steiner developed a philosophy of freedom based upon the development of situationally-sensitive ethical intuitions: "acting in freedom is acting out of a pure love of the deed as one intuits the moral concept implicit in the deed".^[2] Similarly, E. F. Schumacher held that freedom is an inner condition, and that a human being cannot "have" freedom, but "can make it his aim to become free".^[3] In this sense, freedom may also encompass the peaceful acceptance of reality. The theological question of freedom generally focuses on reconciling the experience or reality of inner freedom with the omnipotence of the divine..."

I've taken a leap of faith and I must say, I've never felt more free. I've surrendered my life to God and really, I've submitted my resignation from the casino as the first major step to making myself fully available to follow His will for my life and be prepared for the bountiful blessings He has in store for me.

God has taught me that His blessings are not always in the form of financial stability or His "YES" answers to my prayers. He has actually shown me that I am more often than not blessed whenever I willfully accept His "NO," "Wait" or "Wait Some More" answers and obey His leading even when I do not entirely understand His exact reasons or know His exact purpose.

I'm looking to the horizon, all geared up and ready to run and press on for the next hundred or even thousand miles with one goal, and that is: to echo at my earthly life's "finish line" what Paul has said in 2 Timothy 4:7>"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

I'm done doing things "my" way. Whatever is His way, that's the way I intend to go... for the rest of my life in this world; "in it, but not of it.."

"ALL GAMBLING IS GAMBLING."

a movie quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." -- Marianne Williamson as quoted by Timo Cruz (Rick Gonzalez) in "Coach Carter"

To all of my siblings in Christ, may the Power in us always be so strong that it overflows and becomes contagious... may the Light of God's love always move us to bless others with our gifts... may we always be confident in what He can do through our heartfelt obedience! Spread the Good News! Do not quench the Holy Spirit's fire!!

"7For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

 8So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, 9who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time," -

2 Timothy 1:7-9

some more.

CORE-RELATE!

God has a plan, a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful plan and part of that plan, could be something like a comedy where a princess of paupers and a prince who is heir apparent to a vast kingdom will become friends. Friends muna. I don't want to jump the gun, kayo talaga.

Oh well, anyway. Do you believe that God has a sense of humor? I do. I was in a huge traffic a couple of nights ago and the bumper sticker on the car in front of the jeepney I was in read: LORD, GIVE ME PATIENCE RIGHT NOW. Whadayaknow, I just can't help but smile -- and be patient -- the rest of my trip to work!

Then, yesterday, Sunday, I wanted to attend the 12nn worship session but when I woke up around 10:30am, my eyes couldn't open. I adjusted the alarm to 4:30pm so I can attend the 6pm slot.

I usually wear either pants or my uniform to the 6pm service because I go straight to work in the graveyard shift (10pm-6am). For some unknown reason, I didn't feel like wearing pants nor my uniform to church last night. Since last May 2007 when I started regular church attendance, I have never ever worn a dress to church. Mm-hmm.

God must be really up to something so He made the feeling-pretty-in-dress me use the elevator instead of the escalator. To my surprise, while I was traipsing my way to the worship hall, I saw Shrek handing out newsletters at the landing floor of the e-s-c-a-l-a-t-o-r!! Did he see me? Probably not but the romantic, daydreamy me would like to believe that he did. Yeah, wishful thinking but hey, I think it's pretty cool to do that once in a while.

A big 'What if?' formed inside my thought bubble... "What if I used the escalator?!" The picture would've turned into slow-mo... Shrek handing out the newsletter; silly, dorky me reaching for it... and... and tripping on the last step!! Ngek! Then he'd catch me in those triathletic arms and the first and last conversation we'll ever had would be composed of... "Oops..." "Gotcha!" "Sorry..." and "Thank you." Hilarious -- and downright embarrassing.

Will somebody please hand me smileys around here? I feel like a smile has been plastered on my face the whole night and even while I'm tinkering with the keyboard, geewhiz, I have this ridiculous grin on that says "ROTFL." You think I am in love? If I didn't know any better, I'd say I am!

Seriously... God answers prayers, this I believe in all my heart. I don't care about the past. TODAY is all that matters. I am a child of God and my future is in His hands. I know that He has laid-out the BEST for me tomorrow and in the days to come. If it is His will, He will send Shrek towards me, in His time, in His way. If not, well, I'd still thank God that He has made me see that there is at least one person who fits my 'list.'

I need a stretcher down here. I think I'm going to have a heart attack!

If I didn't know any better, I'd say I am in love. Have I just said that? Really. How can you love someone you barely know? Romantic love won't apply and the type of love there is to share is the kind of love that Jesus wants us to share with everyone: pure, unselfish and sacrificial love. With this I am reminded to think of Shrek as a brother -- ok, older brother -- and respect the fact that he is being prepared by God for someone. That someone may or may not be me so I shouldn't dwell so much on him. I should, instead, "fix my eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of my faith..." (Hebrews 12:2)

TRUE LOVE WAITS, WORKS, WAITS, WORKS and WAITS SOME MORE.

better off alone...

CORE-RELATE!

The time has elapsed.

It's been a month since February 28, 2008 passed and here I am, still single, unattached and purposefully waiting.

The February 28 countdown was only as far as Jag was concerned. He was here for about a month before he boarded a ship again to sail the waters of US or only God knows where. When we didn't see eye-to-eye when he was here, I knew then that was it. That the 'waiting' is over and I really have to move on with my life with him being just a part of the wonderful memories and lesson-giving episodes in my life.

I am still waiting... but not for Jag anymore. It's for that man, that BEST guy that God is molding for me. Mind you, I've already seen him in person (HE EXISTS!), and I'm praying that it's him. But we haven't been personally introduced yet and I haven't seen him in weeks so I've resolved it in my heart to just treat him in all purity and respect, a brother in the faith and just wait out on God's timing. If it is God's will, we could be friends.

For now, really, in all frankness and candidness, I am telling you, I believe (in terms of male-female relationships): IT IS BETTER TO BE ALONE THAN TO BE IN BAD COMPANY.

Stand Up for Love, Stand Up for JESUS!

We can't just be apathetic and shrug our shoulders and "leave it all to God" when we can speak out and tell people outright, in love, point out their sin.

Yes, who are we to judge others when we, ourselves, are sinners too? But those of us who call ourselves Christians, who call ourselves "saved," who call ourselves "ready 24/7" have a mission to fulfill.

The goal, as much as possible, is for NOBODY - especially our loved ones but equally importantly our adversaries - to get left behind. If we truly LOVE them, we will stand up for JESUS and point their eyes, hearts and minds all to Him!

It all starts with thinking less of ourselves and more of what Jesus wants to do through us... so no one will get left behind. Why do we do the things we do and who do we do them for? It is my prayer, individually and collectively, that we can win souls for JESUS by the way we live our lives! CHRISTIANITY is not just a religion; it's a relationship and more to being just a relationship, it's a lifestyle. :)

Rain check, brothers and sisters. Rain check.

Stand Up For Love

[Beyonce]
There are times I find it hard to sleep at night
We are living through such trouble times
And every child that reaches out
For someone to hold
For one moment
They become my own

And how can I pretend that I don't know
What's going on?
When every second
And every minute
Another soul is gone

And I believe that in my life
I will see
An end to hopelessness
Or giving up
Or suffering

Then we all stand together this one time
Then no one will get left behind
And stand up for life
Stand up
And hear me sing
Stand up
For love

[Kelly]
I'm inspired
And hope
For each and everyday
That's how I know that things are going to change
So how can I pretend that I don't know
What's going on?
When every second
And every minute
Another soul is gone

And I believe that in my life
I will see
An end to hopelessness
Or giving up
Or suffering

If we all stand together this one time
Then no one will get left behind
And stand up for life
Stand up
For love

[Michelle]
And it all starts right here
And it starts right now
One person stand up man!
And the rest will follow
From the forgotten
And From the Unloved

I'm gonna sing this song,

And I believe
That in my life
I will see
An end to hopelessness
Or giving up
Or suffering

If we all stand together this one time
Then no one will get left behind
And stand up
for life
stand up
and sing
Stand up
For love

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in Your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer." Psalm 19:14

JOKE, JOKE...

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

As singles, we have all the time in the world to be the right kind of person for that right kind of person whom we are praying or waiting for. So when the 'pressure' around us seems to be much too unbearable or just plainly annoying...ask: "Why, in Heaven's name, would I want the joke to be on me?"

Oo nga naman, dibaaa?

INSIDE-OUT MENTALITY

True conversion begins in the heart. Like a domino, the conversion will trickle down to all the veins, permeating the bloodstream and ultimately transforming one's personality, attitude and behavior to something that is contagiously cheerful, positive and loving.

The genuine Christian's light shines from within. It radiates in such a manner that people who come into contact with him or her will feel the lifting of a burden, see the silver lining behind clouds of doubt or simply just be thankful for the life that they have been given.

God is strong enough, pure enough, brave enough to let us start over again each time we commit a mistake. He knows everything and expects us to stumble from time to time but as He loves us, He has given us Jesus Christ to cleanse us of ALL sin. No more murky or naughty pasts to speak of, no more inclination to sin but only self-control and discipline rooted in reverence to God and love for Him.

We may have toed the line or even crossed over the borders for far too many times in the past, but -- again -- what matters most is what we are in Christ NOW. What, as Christians, are we doing with our lives right at this very moment? Are the thoughts in our minds glorifying to Him? Will we be able to say, if God were to come tonight, in full confidence and conviction, "Father, I have waited so long for You!" If, by tomorrow, somebody checks up on our life's fingerprints, will the Investigator see our prints scattered all over things that we never shouldn't have held in the first place?

Our God is a God of second chances but that doesn't mean we have the 'license' to sin. What we have, rather, is the license to perfection. Yes, no human being is perfect. But as we consistently walk with our Dad daily, He shows us things we can improve on, positive and life-changing ideas we can put into action and people we can learn from and be accountable to.

Being a Christian is impossible for those who rely on outside forces to change them. But for those who, in the inner corners of their hearts can say that" without Christ, I AM NOTHING," living the difficult Christian lifestyle is a joyful adventure.

I couldn't be more thankful for what God has been teaching me these past months. And it reinforces the idea that, indeed, there is nothing else to look forward to except the FULFILLMENT of His wonderful plan for my life.

Whether or not marriage is in the picture, I know -- I am CONVINCED -- that the marriage that each and everyone of us should really look forward to is our eternal marriage, our rock-solid relationship, with our Maker Who has always been patient and loving towards us. He has lavished His mercy on us with His Son's blood on the Cross and is continuously on the lookout for those of His creations who are on the seemingly endless cycle of falling and rising up again.

I am missing someone as I'm writing this. It is a wonder that I don't know EXACTLY who he is and it is my prayer that God keeps him -- and myself -- centered only on God's will, safe and secure and humble enough to listen and just abide in love. For God's eternal glory.
 
"It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy." --Romans 9:16

To Be.

CORE-RELATE!It will come.

The day will come when everything will be just perfect, when I couldn't ask for anything more and just be in abundance.

The day will come when my 'problem' will be how to give away all the blessings that I have, and whom to bestow them upon.

I am privileged to be gifted with the gift of faith. I have it in my heart to give away, however hard it is to grasp for most people.

I am here to uplift, encourage, and sow seeds of happiness in others; make them feel good about themselves and see what they can be thankful for.

I am here to share the wisdom that is to be seen in loving others unconditionally, even the unlovable.

I am here to just follow God's will by being attuned to it daily through prayer and Bible-reading.

I am here... to be the BEST person that He has designed me to be; to excel in whatever tasks He gives me, no matter how menial or unnecessary it would seem for some, including myself.

I am here to 'be' and to be thankful for everything and be happy... because God made me and has given me the power, the liberty to be just...me. So I choose...to just be.

"To be or not to be: that is the question." --Shakespeare

creating your world

CORE-RELATE!

"Whoever you want to be, be it, today!" The person who said that is someone who definitely knows -- and believes -- what he's talking about. He is someone who's been through the ups and downs of life and has seen, heard and lived almost just about anything and everything there is to spew words of wisdom.

I was in a workshop today and I have, for the nth time, learned that vision plays a vital role in one's life. Where I want to be, who I want to be and even what I want to be, should be clear to me. Sure, at this point, the how's and even the why's are not that clear yet but knowing who I am as a person and what I really want to do, and focusing on the positives from the negatives around me are the initial steps to being truly happy and un-put off by fear, rejection or criticism.

Passion transcends financial barriers. By this I mean, that because I know what I am good at, I know what I am capable of and I know what I really want to do, money isn't the consideration but merely a bonus. AND because I believe (I en-vision) that it will bring glory not just to myself but more importantly to The One Who Made Me, then I know I will be rewarded in the end.

Begin with the end in mind. Sure, I live each day as it comes. But because I have a vision, I know, I have faith, that every step I'll be taking tomorrow and for all the days to come, will eventually lead me to the Ultimate Plan.

I have given love. I even chased love. But now, no more. I choose to just continue giving love. I just want to make people feel loved and accepted as they are. I don't know if I'm much fun to be around, I am very lame at cracking jokes and I am really very coreny. But I do know that what people see is the real me; maybe different sides of me from time to time, but it is definitely, 100% unadulterated me.

I don't want to make people laugh because they see something funny or I do something funny. I simply want to make them smile because I've touched their hearts. But in case something really funny happens out-of-the-blue (and I come out of it alive) of course laughter is the music that I will dance to.

I am not here to change the world, much less anyone. No, I definitely cannot do that. I wouldn't push if anyone wants to be left alone in his/er own world. But what I can do, what is in my power, is to create my own world -- and that is in my heart -- where there is a bounty of love, peace, 'happy-ness,' and contentment, and choose to live in that world.

I know it won't be for long before the earth is filled with people who choose to create their happy, loving worlds amidst all the indifference, skepticism and criticism and in the process, welcome everyone else who wants to join in.

Today, I am your clown.

aimless wanderings...

CORE-RELATE!

You have a goal. You firmly believe you can attain it. But you will have to sacrifice a lot of the things that you want.

The opportunities are vast and you know you cannot be assured of anything -- yet. Still, you plunge... knowing that in time, you will reap what you have sown. Experience has taught you that oftentimes, yes, love is reason enough. As Blaise Pascal has put it, "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of."

So you go through the journey, day-by-day, each waking moment optimistic that today will be better. Yesterday's mishaps are today's springboards. And today's success isn't the only sofa for tomorrow.

The clock is ticking yet you're biding your time. You have a plan. And God has one for you, too.

Now you question yourself: which one are you following? You don't really know; you just cannot tell.

God knows your heart. And that's what matters most.

changes...

CORE-RELATE!

"They say the only constant thing in life is change. But there is one more thing: LOVE. It never fails, never waivers, never ends."

Such was my New Year's message to my friends and loved ones. Today though, there is one more thing that I'd like to add: those CONSTANTS that we choose not to change. All of us, at one point or another, aim to do better, be better people, CHANGE for the better. But sometimes, no matter how hard it is to admit, some old habits just don't die overnight.

Because we simply choose not to change them.

I choose to change my time management habits. I choose to change the way I see things: be more positive. But the old habit that I just choose not to change: LOVING. I just want to give love. But I refuse to put my heart in chains. I am a free spirit and I don't want to be tied down. I just want to spread love to as many people I can, to the best that I can.

Darn.

I don't know what I'm actually saying. Because right now, I AM ON A HIGH.

DEFY your LIMITS

CORE-RELATE!

Self-talk: "Challenge yourself at AMCI, defy your limits at the Enduro. Ancore, just what have you gotten yourself into?!"

Self-exploration. I think everyone could benefit from discovering something about themselves everyday SO while I still have all the "single" time in my hands, I can't see any other right timing for it. Mm-hmm.

Yesterday, in my quest to stretch my physical limits, I went "against all odds": MVP (a heart condition), ITBS (a knee problem -- not due to old age because I'm NOT that old), inadequate rest and sleep (I worked from 9pm the previous night til 5am on race day), and a heavy 2nd-day flow (thank God for Modess). Plus the fact that I only had half of a Powerbar for breakfast!

Suicidal, eh? Not quite.

In retrospect, I've just begun entering the opened doors and I'm still on the adjustment phase, searching for the right switches to click. Call me "mental" but really, I think 'driven' is my second name. I can condition my mind to do something new each time and conquer the tension wires. I may be a bit emotionally unsound, especially when I'm 'puyat' but I try to pacify myself by shifting focus ("JTG!") before the anger hormones kick in or the tear ducts open (whichever comes first).

Being happy -- and thankful -- is not just a choice one has to make. It's also a lifestyle. For me, at least it is. And at my first brush with adventure racing yesterday, I can't stop smiling with the thought: THANK GOD FOR THE RAIN!

"For if there is first a willing mind, it is accepted according to what one has, and not according to what he does not have." 2 Corinthians 8:12

Wag Muna

CORE-RELATE!

God is at work. And I am excited about His Gameplan. Little by little, one day at a time, one step at a time, He's uncovering a very wonderful picture to me and I can't describe how, ironically, I'm being more patient about it. Geez.

This afternoon, I had my first brush with cut-out paper hearts and paper dolls. Kuya Derek kept thanking me and I'm just humbled knowing that I was able to help in my own little way. Tomorrow, those cut-outs will serve their purpose and I am eagerly looking forward to witness my first ever True Love Waits (TLW) seminar.

So help us God.

***

You might want to check-out TLW Philippines' official website. It's still under construction and honest comments, questions and suggestions are welcome.

Then and back again...

CORE-RELATE! Sometimes I just can't seem to establish a pattern for myself -- except for my perennial tardiness. Could it be because I lack discipline? Or perhaps I am just not into the predictable and random is the word I'd love to associate myself with.

But random I am not... at least not totally. Because I love organizing things. Or rather, I'd like to think that I am a sucker for system.

Whatever. I am just full of contradictions. Something which the man of my dreams would have to reckon with if he really would love to be with me for the rest of his earthly life.

RESPECT

CORE-RELATE! You need to pass the time productively by channeling your thoughts to things that make sense. You have to know how to delineate your thoughts and your emotions to be more productive. Because more often than not, our hearts can be deceitful. But then our instincts are not always right and trustworthy. Still, it pays to err on the side of caution.

Trust isn't and shouldn't be given freely. It is earned. And so is RESPECT.

Respect. It is and should always be an ABSOLUTE concept. Respect shouldn't be just for those in the higher-ups. And RESPECT is given when we COMMAND it. So how do we do that?

Mystery. Keep them guessing. "Familiarity breeds contempt."

Be still. Keep your mouth shut and your senses wide open.

PASSERBY

CORE-RELATE!

This too, shall pass.

For I am just a passing face,
a nameless voice in the crowd,
a silent witness, whose existence
is but a mere spectrum in the
vastness of a world filled with
empty spaces.

On Being Normal

CORE-RELATE! You know what you're capable of. But you'd rather not flaunt it. You'd prefer the quiet corners, sit still, oblivious of the world running around you. Then comes THE opportunity that you didn't expect. You'd rather refuse. But the odds could turn against you if you do. So you choose. To accept. And live up to it. Perform. Produce. Do something. And it better be good.