a Valentine's invite.

CORE-RELATE!

"February 14, 2008.

Why am I late?

I could give you a thousand and one reasons why but it will all boil down to one reason and one reason alone: because I am.

I used to think that time is in my hands. No matter what I do with my time is all up to me. It doesn't matter what I did, as long as I was happy, time will just pass by quickly.

But I've discovered that the measure of time and happiness is totally different when defined in terms of my own, selfish, 'worldly,' human thinking as compared to how God wants me to measure them.

I have learned that I cannot make up for all the lost times I've spent doing things my way to instead of His way. But because God loves me, He showed me what it truly means to be happy; He showed me what it truly means to be in the dark; He showed me what it means to be lost and not know it.

I used to be "in the dark" not knowing what my purpose was, not knowing what REAL LOVE was and I thought that as a growing Christian I should get out - resign - from the casino. As early as July 2007, I've already drawn up my resignation letter. I used to think that Pagcor is no place for a follower of Christ to be in. But why am I still here?

God's timing is not my timing. God's purpose is not my purpose. Knowing God and experiencing God are two different things. And I have learned that it is only when I LET GO of my biases, my selfishness, my pride, I that I can understand God's love and share it.

I have a lot of stories to tell about what has God done in my heart and in my life and how He has helped me see my job in Pagcor on a totally different light. But I won't tell you about them right now because I believe this day isn't about me or my life but all about Him...all about Him.

God has a reason for everything.

I was late yesterday. I didn't do it in purpose and I believe it is God's will for me to tell you these things right here, right now:

GOD LOVES US and HE wants us to take the blindfolds off our eyes and see the deeper reasons why we work, why we are here. He wants us to take the earplugs off the ears of our hearts and hear His voice calling us to LET GO of ourselves and just LET HIS LOVE IN.

It is my honor and privilege to be commissioned to send you this invitation today, Valentine's Day. Why me? Only God knows and I have learned, too, that the last question that I should ever ask God is WHY. I just have to LET GO."

LETTING GO - Gary Valenciano

I used to feel the emptiness inside me
I was not supposed to feel that way
I had everything I needed
But nothing ever made me
What I longed to be
The wealth, the name
The lights, the fame
Were everything to me

And then one night
Out of the blue
I heard His name (Jesus)
And so I took that step of faith
And walked into His domain
I believe that's what He wants
Every heart to do

When hard may seem the task
One step is all He asks of you

Letting go to know the truth
Is not so hard to do
It's the heart that's got the will
To open up for Him to fill
And trusting and believing Him
Is all we've got to do
It's just the heart that's got to move
For Him to show His love that's been there
Even when we never cared
Take hold of His hand
Let go and you'll understand

Why be afraid
For God knows what you're feeling
But even He can't do a thing
If He sees the heart's not willing
And so we ask what's going on
We want what's right and still do wrong

When hard may seem the task
One step is all He asks of you

I guess by now you'd realize
You can't be on your own
And all your cares
And all your burdens
Should be cast upon His throne
Letting go, just let go

Letting go to know the truth
Is not so hard to do
It's the heart that's got the will
To open up for Him to fill
And trusting and believing Him
Is all we've got to do
It's just the heart that's got to move
For Him to show His love that's been there
Even when we never cared
Take hold of His hand
Let go and you'll understand

Let go and you'll understand
Just let go and you'll understand

waiting and waiting some more..

CORE-RELATE!

Officially, I've already served 37 days of my 150-day "probation." I still have 113 days left and I still haven't got a job. I've already sown some good seeds but the fruits won't come out yet until perhaps another month of waiting. I'll start training for my hosting/acting job on the 7th of July (wow, come to think of it, JULY! My fingers almost slipped and typed in "June."); it's unpaid training but, heck, it's my passion. I'll do whatever it takes to excel in that job. By "whatever" I mean whatever is necessary, as long as it will not compromise my values nor the company's. (What were you thinking?!)

Also... there's this countdown to February 28, 2008. There's 244 days left or approximately 5,856 hours or 351,360 minutes, OR 21,081,600 seconds. OK, I'll just stick to counting by the days. Anyway, as I'm living each day as it comes, before I know it, there'll only be 24 hours left. Add to that another month of waiting, should I not get any confirmation whatsoever from the party concerned. What's with the countdown? In time, I'll let you know. All I can say is, well, it's all for the best! I've already done my part, everything else is up to God.

13 minutes...

CORE-RELATE!

I remember reading Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coehlo..

...that a sexual act can be over and done with in eleven minutes.

Hmm.

I have 13 minutes left to "make love" with the keyboard and blog.

My fingers tinker, trying to grasp whatever makes sense. And it seems like there is no juice coming out of my brains at the moment.

I can only wish that whatever happens in the next 270 days or so of waiting will be all worth it when I get to see my royal friend once again.

Now I can only do some active waiting.

150 days..

CORE-RELATE!

It's officially Day 1 of my 150-day "authorized" absence (forced-to-leave?) from work. It's not exactly "WOW, have a great time, enjoy, have fun!" because it is unpaid vacation. Ok, I'm SUSPENDED. This is the maximum penalty for the maximum offense I've committed last November and December 2006, having incurred way too much than the allowed minutes for tardiness each month.

I've been away from home since last May 15, going through my 30th birthday last 17th as if I was The Gringe of birthdays. Hehe. It's quite ironic that just two days after my spiritual retreat (and baptism!) in Caliraya, Laguna I succumbed to anger and pride. I bolted out of the house Tuesday morning way before the sun woke up (while I haven't slept a wink), after a heavy drama akin to "The Exorcist" with my siblings and my mother.

A few minutes before 6am, I ended up in a twin-sharing room of a 4-star motorists' hotel that billed me P525 in advance for a stay of 3-5 hours. (For 12 hours, their room rate was P1,300 which I couldn't afford to pay right up). I figured, well, I can check out at 11am and proceed to report for work earlier. Good thing luggage safekeeping was free-of-charge so I made an arrangement with the front desk that I'll avail of that service.

I had quite a good sleep in spite of the circumstances. (I'm really not used to sleeping in places other than my own bed). After clocking out from work I had a therapeutic helping of Ice Monster with Chief at BlueWave just to pass the time. I was really thankful for her company. Her mere presence was comforting enough.

When we parted ways, I proceeded to a 24-hour drugstore for toiletries then went back to the hotel to check in for the dorm-type room. I shared the room with two other ladies and I occupied the lower bunk of the middle double-decker. God really has a perfect timing for everything because by the time I woke up, it was already a Wednesday, my day-off from work. I had more than enough time to do my laundry at Chief's apartment, find a place to stay and do some shopping for bed essentials. I found a bedspace facility for only P1,200 but I had to provide my own mattress. There were little creepers all over the room and a Mr. Little but I got it anyway because I knew I'll be back home in no time. I just needed some space away to let the heat die down and make my siblings mull things over. I'm just not good in explaining myself and I really believed that because God knows our hearts, He will eventually humble us and lead our ways towards reconciliation.

Anyway, as I've said it's only Day 1 of my 150-day suspension. But it feels as if I've been on vacation for the longest time I've known. When I went home the other day to get some stuff (particularly my mobile phone's charger), I realized I missed my cat Majzhai so much. He missed me, too because he kept on brushing himself against my legs. Funny because I hurriedly stuffed some additional clothes into my bag; I didn't want to see any of my siblings just yet. But now that I write about it, perhaps I'll be taxi-ing my way back home soon. I have a responsibility to them as my "bunsos" and I don't think I'm being a good witness of Christ by invoking my "rights" or holding on to my pride. Someone's got to step down and I know it has to be me. I've consulted my Christian friends about it and I've inferred that although there is wisdom in just letting time take its course, there is more to be gained in humility.

I've been praying for countless times for God's healing. I've had some scars on my arms, bruises on my shoulders but they are nothing compared to the pain our domestic drama has carved on my heart. In time, we will reunite. I know, I have faith, by God's loving mercy and grace, we will be a family again.

In the mean time, I have to find myself a part-time job.

re-re-resolutions...

CORE-RELATE!

For the nth time the old year goes to sleep and a new one awakens. Well, at least not until the next 8 days.

I cannot recall having devised a resolution last 2005 for 2006 but I do remember "promising" myself I won't be late anymore. It turned out I was a huge failure. And come 2007, I'll be "reaping the fruits" of my LATE labor.

2006 was pretty much a good year for me. I don't have a boyfriend (still) but there is "someone special" who's just a tad too busy to wait and do nothing while I make up my mind. I like it that way: no pressure.

I remember a girlfriend asked me about my wedding plans and changing my hairstyle. As to marriage, I told her since "he" (my future mate) hasn't found me yet, I am just enjoying my singleness to the fullest. I told her I wasn't interested in cutting my hair short or trying something new in the next 6 months or so but if they see me with a major hairstyle change it could mean I am getting married soon. Well, there's "someone" but it's still a definite maybe so that doesn't count and that makes me officially free.

So what are my plans for 2k7?

I don't really want to lay down all my plans but definitely, EXCELLENT time management is tops. I don't want to make it BETTER, I want it EXTREMELY good not just by my standards but by universal standards. Mm-hmm.

At this point I'm thinking of volunteering for a branch transfer somewhere down south. Management says it's only for the first six months of 2007. I may have nothing to lose but it will be a major adjustment and I'm not really good in dealing with change. So I've been thinking and re-thinking about signing up.

Then there's my ministry work which I've shelved for quite some time. How am I supposed to serve if I'll be far from my mentor?

I suppose my fitness/wellness routine won't be much of a problem since I've already gotten used to it and procrastination (and laziness) doesn't have power over me in that area anymore.

Well, transfer or no-transfer, I just hope 2007 will hold much more unbroken promises and be more fruitful for me and my loved ones.

How Late is Too Late?

CORE-RELATE!

I must confess I am a perennial late-comer.

I must confess I loathe (strong word) rushing myself.

I must confess I have an inane tendency to procrastinate.

I must confess waiting is an agony for me.

I must confess I believe that in anything, it's "better late than never."

But then again, I must confess that I believe being late is not a good thing. "How can you respect?!" as a friend would sarcastically ask of people who seem to be unreliable or just a tad contradictory.

I respect people. I respect my friends. I respect my family. I value my relationship with them. And if I say I respect them and value the time they spend with me, I must do something with my being late.

But that's not my point here.

It's about my perennial tardiness at work.

I'm afraid I'll be sacked anytime soon. As in, S-O-O-N. Hmm. Ok, so the job I'm currently at is not exactly the kind of job I'll want to be stuck with for the rest of my life. I don't intend to stay beyond the 7 years I've "drafted." I can't say I love it but I don't exactly hate it for all it's worth. I'm just thankful for it, really. But whether or not I love my job is not a reason for me to be late, right?

Oh, well. It might be too late to start being on time for work because I'm up for a good beating any time soon. I've signed memos for a 2-day and 7-day suspension for the months of July and August respectively but I haven't "served" those yet. After 7 days, the next is 15. That's for September but they haven't given me the memo yet. After 15, it's a meeting with the top honchos of the branch. Darn. I've also been excessively late last October and we're not even half through this month yet but I've alread hit beyond the allowable number of minutes. So I have every reason to believe I'll be sacked any time soon.

My only "option" is to be able to think of the best veritable reason why I'm always late so I'd be able to stay with the job until july 2007 (when I intend to file my resignation).

For now, I'm just crossing my fingers and setting my alarm clock to 20 minutes earlier... and hope they procrastinate giving me my memo.

1-minute wonder

CORE-RELATE! Whoa! It's been a month since I last posted... Time flies so fast when your hands are full.

I only have a few minutes to spare before I clock in for work and this isn't the first time I'll be doing this. While onboard the MRT something crossed my mind which, by my standards, was just too good to pass up and postpone til the morning.

So here goes.

Sex is a wonderful, wonderful thing!

Hey. Why am I seeing mischievous grins and raised eyebrows? Nah, it's not what you think.

If it isn't wonderful, how in the world can you expect an infinite string of second chances? How in the world can you expect to make this world "a better place?" How in the world will you expect people to get to know themselves -- and others -- better?

I'm not saying that you need to have sex just so you'd get to know yourself better. Many people go through their lifetime without ever having experienced "the deed" because they weren't -- haven't -- married or were just a little less daring; but they still ended up being the best of what they were meant to be. Still, they wouldn't have existed if there wasn't any sex involved, right? Physically or laboratorically speaking, sex is privy to the equation.

After all is said and done, I just can't help myself from saying: Sex is WONDERFUL. And I can't imagine being able to paint a better picture without the marriage bed. There has to be.

And so the waiting continues.

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time;

it speaks of the end

and will not prove false.

Though it linger, wait for it;

it will certainly come and will not delay."

Habakkuk 2:3

Better Never Late

CORE-RELATE!

Cliche: Better late than never.

Today, however, I chose NEVER. 6:15AM and still walking along Shaw Blvd. I decided to call in sick. Late notification, first-ever I've done it in my entire working life in the casino. Aside from losing roughly P3,000 for that, so goes my resolution to make a better attendance record.

Hah! So now, resolved as it is hereby resolved: NEVER to be late again. Need I put a disclaimer just in case? Hmm... NEVER TO BE LATE AGAIN, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

There.

So I better make use of time more wisely now. (Blah, blah... heard this gazillion times before...) Make time my ally. And that can only be possible if I spend each minute more appropriately.

Waiting for the Sunset

CORE-RELATE! I got home before 7 this morning, had a quick munch and slept. I guess I haven't even got into deepest REM yet when the alarm sounded at 11am. I fought off the temptation to doze back and dragged myself up. I had to do an important errand I've put off for the last 5 days so at 2:30pm, I was on the road, walking in the rain, towards my destination.

At 4pm, nostalgia hit me as I passed by the streets where my ex-beau and myself used to walk hand-in-hand. I immediately shrugged the feeling off.

4:45, phase one of my mission was completed. Phase 2 would be to convert the material into cold hard cash. Tomorrow. And I hope I wake early enough to face the early morning sun.

Around 5pm, I was lost. Not finding any signs which say "autoload," or "free recharge" my feet battled which way to go and led me to buy some peanuts. As if having a mind of their own, my feet crossed the road and walked towards the direction of Baywalk. It was then that I decided to do something I haven't done in a long time: wait for the time... and in that case, wait for the sunset.

Although I am yet to witness a picture perfect sun setting itself in the horizon to "sleep" in the sea, the one I had this afternoon is one for my history books.

The clear white sky streaked with blue and gray watched dragon boaters paddle their way to cross the sun's yellow marker on the waters. It slowly moved to include some orange hues while some couples and teeners walked themselves to a vacant spot.

As the sun sinked itself to rest behind the clouds, some crimson, pink and violets made their way into the marvelous painting. Slowly the night lights came to life.

I could have just painted it instead or wrote about it as it unfolded and perhaps I could have shared with you a better picture.

But then, you probably have already seen a better one.

Mine though, was etched ever so clearly with the phrase: "This is a lot better than watching him play basketball."

And I have never felt prouder.