I was given the privilege of logging out of work earlier than scheduled and somehow I knew I had to make the most out of the opportunity to spend time with Jesus Christ, the Lover of my soul. I've been missing Him a lot lately. Sure, we chat every so often, 24/7, but due to the current circumstances that He has allowed me to be into, I somehow missed being with Him.
The past few days have been eventful for me, going to and from the Philippine Heart Centre to see, well, the heart doctor. My latest 2D Echo Doppler showed 3 additional valves that have leaks, an increase in the size of my heart and a now 'officially' severe regurgitation. Mr. heart doctor said that if surgeons were to see my heart results, they would say that I need an immediate surgery but since he's a cardiologist, he said that it's not urgent nor is it an emergency but I have to prepare myself.
Prepare myself for what? Well, of course, financially because I eventually would need to have those valves replaced. Also, I have to take good care of myself if I want to live longer (Hah, he didn't say that but I know he meant to say it!) I'm not allowed to lift weights nor do a sprint run, but I can run a marathon at my own pace (to the very least). Bottomline is, my heart is not allowed to get "more tired" than usual and since he said that being in the graveyard shift is a risk factor, I have to file a request for the daytime shift. (Geez, I 'love' the graveyard shift. I've been working the 'night life' since I was 23!)
When the heart doctor read the results last Monday, God allowed two important people in my spiritual journey to be with me: my accountability partner/confidante/discipler (a wonderful lady) and a guy friend. Don't get me wrong, the guy's just a friend. Tuesday morning, I was back at the hospital for another test. They attached an MP3 player-like gadget called a holter to my chest and it was supposed to observe my heart rate for the next 24 hours and correlate (^_^) any symptoms with the "currents." Wednesday morning, I was there again, for them to have it removed and the results will be released after a week. All those three days, my guy friend was with me.
Well, anyone could've been with me. My accountability partner would've been more than willing to sacrifice just so she can accompany me. Or, I could go at it alone, being the 'brave soul' that I am, used to doing things on my own. I haven't told my mom as of this writing about it because I don't want her to get worried. (Mama, if you're reading this, now you know. And I must say, I love you!)
I knew God would not have permitted my guy friend to be with me all those daysfor no reason at all and I believe the primary reason is for both of us to glorify God in the situation. The problem for me was, we're in a sort of courtship stage and spending more time with him gave me a bit of a 'struggle.'
I never really saw this guy friend in a romantic angle. Primarily, he's younger than me and... well, he's younger than me. I'll leave it at that. They say age doesn't matter but to me, it does. I do recognize his leadership and I would say that he is mature for his age. Before I knew him, God has already taught me to show respect to my brothers by letting them lead the way and I just have to respond graciously with a Yes or a No. So that's what I've been doing all this time that we've been friends.
For several times, in different occasions, I have said 'No' to my guy friend's proposal. He was the same guy I was planning to 'deliver' the not-so-pleasant news to in B1G Romance. Somehow, after that, I still continued having him as my friend. I'm comfortable being with him and I actually call him 'Soldier.' I have this penchant for calling people differently and they somehow don't disagree. He is gifted with discernment and for quite a good number of times, he sort of 'knew' what I needed. There were many instances when we didn't really talk about seeing each other but he has his way of finding me! During the past three days of being with him, something seemed to have changed in my heart. Somehow, a willingness to be with him has ensued and I seem not to be viewing him as a younger brother anymore. Well, I am grateful that God has allowed me to go through that struggle and, in my heart of hearts, through sobs and tears over the phone, I verbalized it to my guy friend this morning and that spelled a big difference.
As I told my guy friend about my struggle -- that I don't want to depend on any guy, that I don't want to draw my confidence or self-esteem from any man but that I would only draw it from Jesus --- and how I think God has answered his prayer by changing my heart towards him, he thanked me then the line got disconnected. He send me a text message and it somehow revealed to me how ready he was for me -- if I said 'Yes' to his proposal.
I cried my heart out in prayer for God's confirmation and as I stayed under the hot shower, talking to God, He told me that my guy friend was actually NOT ready. And then it dawned on me how true God's words were to me when I asked Him about my guy friend's motives. It gave me a renewed sense of awe in God of how He has wired me to desire Him, to desire His presence, to know what He has to say, to know what He thinks. Aside from the physical relief that God has given me in that hot shower, He has proven for the nth time how tears can heal. Under the hot shower I cried out to Him that I will not go unless He blessed me, unless He cleared things out for me. I asked Him to let His Holy Spirit come upon me and consume me that I may hear His voice and be assured that He still loved me in spite of my sinfulness. And here's what He told me: "My daughter, your faith has healed you. Go and sin no more."
Those were similar to the words that Jesus told the adulterous woman in John 8. In many ways, I can relate with that adulterous woman. I may not have been caught in adultery nor have I been in an affair with a married man but my past life bespeaks of unfaithfulness towards God (He who has designed for sex to be just between married couples) and towards my future husband (if ever there is one). Between my guy friend and me, I am the bad person and he's the good one; I am the one who's disobedient, he is the faithful one. Still, as God, my Father, doesn't show favoritism, He embraced me in His loving arms and hushed me to sleep with the assurance that "If anyone be in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." When I woke up, I knew I could already honestly say, "I'm OK."
So now, I'm OK. My mobile phone's battery's dead and I'm in a public internet station blogging my heart away. I firmly believe that God speaks to my guy friend as well and I know that in God's time, my 31:23, my Boaz will come. I just have to continue waiting - purposefully and prayerfully.