Only God knows how many 'love stories' begin (and end) in retreats. A recent marriage proposal during the B1G6 Singles' Retreat in Chateau Royale, Batangas is a testimony to how romantic God could be, how He authors more-than-a-fairy-tale love story. Talk about WOW! ^_^
In the midst of the B1G victories (people deciding to make Jesus the Ultimate Authority in their lives and declaring it to the whole world by being baptized; people making a U-turn and being convicted to stop any relationship or activity - like vices, premarital sex or living in - that is not pleasing to God), there are quite a few not-so-delightful scenes of rejection. You may not like me for blogging about this stark truth but like it or not, the other side of the coin is laced with broken hearts.I can attest to that.
Last year, during B1G5, God revealed how painful it could be for a hopeless romantic such as myself to say "NO" even when i already wanted to say "YES." Only God knows how many liters or gallons(!) I shed when He instructed me to be firm with my No.
This year, the same guy who proposed to me before B1G5 last year told me the news that he already has wedding plans set for this December. How fast time flies! It was actually an answered prayer on my part - I've been praying for God to grant him a help-mate who will render him respect and be submissive to him - something that I failed to do. The odd thing is, in spite of the supposedly happy news, I encountered pain. I couldn't understand why it felt like I was heartbroken all over again. The whole Friday night up until Saturday, I was crying "intermittently" (like a faulty internet connection, on and off, you get the picture).
God, in His grace and gentle love, helped me understand and He used my GLC Level2 class last Saturday morning as a venue for me to hear His wise counsel. Through a mature Christian lady, God made me realize that my love for Him far outweighs my love for the guy, and my desire to please God through obedience to His direction is more important to me than pleasing other people - or myself. That's where the pain came from and I praise God that He quickly came to my aid and delivered me from sorrow before I wallowed in depression.
I don't know what the guy's motives were in letting me know about the news but one thing I do know is: he deserves someone a whole lot better than myself, someone who'll not be an argumentative wife but a submissive one; someone who'll let him be the leader he ought to be and not get ahead of him in making decisions; someone with whom he can bring the greatest glory to God. I got swayed - almost - by my emotions and my selfish pride into giving a Yes last year. Praise God, I listened. Praise God, I said No. Praise God, I obeyed.
Tomorrow, Lord-willing, I'll be 'delivering' a not-so pleasant news to another guy and I know it's going to be painful for both of us. I can actually feel it now as I blog about it. The decision's been hovering in my heart and mind for quite some time now but I just couldn't bring it entirely to the table for lack of a clear confirmation - a solid conviction, a sense of finality, that it's time to do it. I cannot delay it any longer because I think that doing so would only bring about unnecessary hope for the guy and unnecessary pain for myself.
I know what I want but that is of least importance. Of paramount importance is knowing what God wants: OBEDIENCE, and taking a step in the right direction. Somehow, I see myself being able to do ministry with the guy, we can make a pretty good team; perhaps I can even finish a marathon with him but I just don't see myself growing old with him. It's pointless to continue with the courtship if I already know the answer, right? Rather than waste his time and my time, I should be able to tell him now while I'm still level-headed about everything and my emotions are not yet confusing me. Actually, I'm already beginning to doubt the guy's motives (a sign of jealousy) and that's not good ("Love is not jealous...").
So, well, here's the 'hopeless romantic' me, blogging away while Martha Munizzi's "Glorious" is playing in the background. The knot in my chest is easing up as I let go and admit to myself that it is better to WAIT UPON GOD rather than disobey Him in favor of myself or someone else. This is what dying to self is all about. Yes, I will miss this other guy - how he has treated me nicely and how he has been generous with his time, his kind words and his attention towards me. More than missing his phone calls, the flowers, his surprise visits and our times of prayer together, I'm going to miss him. I love him with the love of Christ and it is because of this love that I have to let go. I want God's Best for him. He deserves someone who's a whole lot better than I am and it is wiser for both of us to just wait upon God's next instructions.
JESUS, the Lover our souls, the Author of Romance, be LIFTED UP!!! He REIGNS!
Lyrics | Martha Munizzi - Glorious lyrics