For Souldier


I intend this post to be an open letter for the man I am preparing to marry in the last quarter of this year. We've been together for almost 13 months now and engaged for 5. We've completed our premarital counseling course last year and had 1 session with an 'official' couple counselor. A lady friend has agreed to 'host' our wedding program but we have no co-host for her yet. So far, she's all we've got as an answered prayer to the many details we have yet to address.

I do not want to boast like I'm some kind of 'super Christian' who hears God's Word and acts on it. I'm far from that. In fact, of the many characters in the Bible, I am more likely to identify with Jonah (the reluctant prophet), the prodigal son and the woman at the well. There are times when I also think that perhaps I'm the adulteress whom the Bible refers to who doesn't know what wrong she's done; or the quarrrelsome wife.. or perfectly, on many different occasions, the fool who gives full vent to his anger.

I have an anger problem, not to mention a very erratic mood. I find myself for countless times letting my anger go "full speed ahead" only to regret it later on. I believe that at this point, my fiance has already experienced the worst side of that anger problem. I can be irrational and irritable when things don't go my way. I can be so selfish when I rant, not considering how the person with me will feel.

A few weeks ago, in anger I returned to him the engagement necklace he gifted me with. This morning, I threw away the pretty flowers he gave me yesterday. Because I was angry. I am angry.

I'm angry over my anxiety and my unwillingness to "Be still." I am not at all "dying to get married." I don't think my age matters and I'm not worried about what 'complications' my age and my mitral valve prolapse will bring about when I get pregnant but I am angry over the fact that "Nothing is happening." Well, nothing seems to be. I can't 'call off' the engagement because that will be disobeying God in His Word. For me, that's the hardest part of all -- knowing that God has given me His Word and there's no disputing it. I've also promised God that I will trust Him to give Souldier whatever direction He wants us to take and I will only have to say 'Yes.'

Forgive me please if I give you the impression that Christianity is all about not being able to do what you want to do. Well, actually. In Romans chapter 7, Paul the Apostle wrote:

 14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
 17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
 21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
 24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

Thankfully, the Bible has many true accounts of people like Paul. It is encouraging to know that, by the grace of God, this is just a part of the process. Yes, there is no disputing what God has decreed and whatever He has promised, He fulfills because He is faithful! Unfortunately, I just tend to be very impatient about His timing. I sometimes try to judge Him based on my circumstances when I should actually be viewing my circumstances in the light of who God is.

God is good -- all the time. God is faithful, God is loving, God is forgiving, God is righteous, holy and true. God always answers prayers -- always but I just don't always like His replies.

God works out everything for good. He is a Sun and Shield, He bestows honor and favor, no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is BLAMELESS.

BLAMELESS. None of us is blameless. Not even one of us can confidently say, "I am good - I haven't sinned." For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God -- ALL. Even religious leaders are not blameless, not even the Pope.

Only JESUS is blameless. I can never be holy on the basis of do's and dont's in my life. I can never be righteous on my own merit even if I say I obey God's Word. Obedience, still, is by the grace of God. I can not take credit for obedience and being at the center of God's will. I love because God first loved me. I obey because His Spirit enables me. And I am made blameless, sanctified, only through my faith in Him.

God has forgiven me and has given Jesus, His Only Son, to die on the Cross for ALL of my sins (which are just far too many to mention). When I accepted God's forgiveness so I, too, can forgive myself, He gave me the freedom that far exceeds all types of liberties on earth. I am free. His love has set me free and He has made me a winner.

So why do I still get angry - or let my anger get the better of me?

 24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
 25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.
 1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.
-Romans 7:24-25; 8:1-2,The Message.

Now I know. I shouldn't focus on my anger problem but instead focus on the Solution: JESUS. The more I gaze into His eyes and soak in His presence instead of trying to solve my anger problem, the more possible it will be for me to be the kind of lady, the kind of help-meet that He wants me to be.

Thank you for bearing with me in this blog today. I am no longer angry. I pray that God, who is able to supply all our needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus, bless you!

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