not the goal


i found myself shedding tears (yet again) as i blog this. i am thankful for the typing skills my mother has imparted to me and i can type QWERTY-style almost in full synch with whatever is in my heart and mind.

i'm using a borrowed notebook computer and i stumbled upon a file saved as "Extensive Goals for 2011". the owner of the file is a dear friend and i was surprised to find myself trying to find myself in those bullet points. alas, i didn't see "me."

i am no professional writer but i know how it is to write without editing one's thoughts or emotions. i just let the ideas flow freely, transmit them to my finger tips, onto the keyboard and out onto the screen. i believe that whatever our initial output is, that is exactly how we feel or think. after all has been written, i let the manuscript "sit" for a while then i go back to it to check for "share-worthiness" before i hit "publish."

i've been "in a relationship" for 6 months and 17 days now with the guy who created the file. in the early parts of our relationship, he had the audacity to tell me that i am "not the goal," and i actually took it positively. i am with him today because i want to obey God, i want to please my Father, the King. and today, it dawned on me:  why, even if i know for a fact that i am not the goal, why did i look for myself in those bullet points and when i failed to see "me," i got downhearted?

at the risk of putting myself into a pity-party, i browsed until the end of the document quickly and i thought, well, perhaps i'm in the "relationships" part.

it dawned on me that, in the final analysis, i could really just be one of the many relationships he has to work on; nothing special; i am just an unspecified bullet point. i am not set apart. it could be exciting to think that maybe, just maybe, i'm in the "getting married" section but it could be any other lady as well. i didn't see "me" there, not my name in the very least. 

i am wondering: how much worse would my Heavenly Father feel if He actually doesn't see Him implicitly and explicitly set apart in my heart, in my life, in the extensiveness of my goals? He who has created me, to bring delight to Him, to bring honor to His name, to proclaim His message of salvation to a dying world, to be salt and light, how would He feel if He doesn't see His name engraved in my heart, that my life doesn't show His name?
New International Version (©1984)
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." - 1 Peter 3:15
i may have been sad not seeing my name in that list yet i find comfort in the truth that God has my best interest in mind. at this point, i must admit that i have a lot of unanswered questions. along with those questions is the idea that maybe i am better off alone and perhaps God is just allowing me to go through certain relationships in my life at this point so that i will experience what it means to love Him with my ALL; to be fully devoted to Him; to desire Him; to find my sufficiency in Him; to draw my strength from Him; to regard Him as my everything.

i am not the goal. CHRIST is.

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