Don't you just hate it when you seem to keep making the same mistakes all over again, encountering the same heartache, the same headache, the same kind of pain each time? Albert Einstein once said that "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I was once like that. I seemed to have this unexplainable 'fetish' for men who needed some repair. I like fixing men, helping them rise up to their full potential. But I don't fancy men who are younger than me. I'm more apt to pose a challenge to those who are just about my age or older than me. My last failed relationship was with a never-been-married guy who had two children with the same woman yet had several different girl friends all over the world. I told him to exclude me from the list -- we started out as friends, no sexual intimacy whatsoever but the "inevitable" happened and after two months of dating, we stripped ourselves to the barest minimum possible and explored.
Before that "failed" relationship which ended up in him picking me up from work (which meant that he had to go out of his way), and me hugging him and telling him I love him beyond he can ever imagine but that I just can't have sex with him anymore, I was in a 5-year love-against-all-odds kind of relationship.
Such 5-year relationship started out as a game for me because I wanted to get my revenge over the guy who tore my heart out to pieces because of his infidelity, taking advantage of my naïveté. I thought I had everything back then. I thought was in control. Never did it enter my mind to live in with the guy but, heck, that was the only thing we lacked. We've done everything there was to be done by couples -- except getting married. Well, of course, I had the disillusion that we'll eventually get married. But things turned out for the worst and the guy broke up with me when he got jealous over Mr. Never-Been-Married-But-Has-2-Kids-With-the-Same-Woman-With-Whom-He-Was-Not-Living-In.
In 2004, I took a U-turn for the best and found the love I once lost. It was in 1988 when I came to know this man named Jesus Christ and we got married. I remember walking down the center aisle of the church one Sunday, as a response to an altar call. When I got to the front of the congregation, the elders gathered around me and laid their hands upon me and instructed me to pray with them. Pray I did and when I went back to my seat that Sunday, I knew "something" happened; I was so sure I'll be going to Heaven when I die.
So I grew up as Ms. Goody-Two-Shoes (almost all the time), was bullied for my skin color, was a cry baby, and a regular part of the so-called "cream of the crop." I excelled in Writing, got several awards for it, and graduated at the top 5% of my batch.
I never entertained any suitors while I was in school even when I had crushes every now and then. Most of them were the tall, athletic types. I especially liked Richard Gomez when I first saw him at the playbill of one of the Metropolitan Theatre plays I watched.
Fast-forward to college days. I had several "brush ups" with the opposite sex but none of them went beyond glue-stick stares. They were all just that: stares. I guess the guys were either intimidated by my "I am not interested, don't you just dare" stare or that my stare came across as "I'm too fragile for you, I'll cut you off if you break me." I vividly remember one exchange student who was handsome in a Knight in Shining Armor kind of way and even watched me perform in one of the major productions I acted in but he didn't even ask offer to take me home.
So, there. My so-called "love life" was utterly uneventful until I graduated from college and decided to peel off the NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) tag. I started dating and, phew, the guys I went out with were really not much of my type. I don't want to recall them one-by-one but to make the long story short, I was a mess.
Back to the U-turn in 2004. I started walking the straight and narrow, asking Jesus to guide me all throughout but mind you, it wasn't an easy journey. Remember Mr.Never-Been-Married-But-Had-2-Kids-yada-yada-yada? I really "fell" for the guy. It took me some time to really get over (and I mean SUPER OVER) him and the thought that "we" could still be possible. You know, marriage and stuff.
But, I found the love that satisfies me and fills me to overflowing in Jesus Christ. This kind of love made me rethink how I've been living my life. I got "convicted" of the adulterous relationship I was in. Yeah, he wasn't married but geez, his "informal" wife (they just needed the formality of a marriage license), the mother of his two kids, needed him to be there for them.
So I started learning to pray more about the guy and myself. Not that we end up together, but that I learn to deal with him the way God wanted me to deal with him: in purity of heart. I gave him inspirational books, prayed with him, and before long, I knew that something happened in my heart. I no longer desired to get married with him, but wanted him to be the best father and husband that he ought to be for the mother of his two kids.
In 2006, I made a commitment to the cause of purity promoted by True Love Waits, a ministry passionate about teaching young people about TRUE love. In 2007, just when I thought I was already OK with JESUS as my one and only true love, I met a guy. Geez, was he smart. And was he athletic. And he was PERFECT. Or so I thought.
Old habits don't die when you refuse to deal with them head on and change them. I thought I was already OK but there was a longing inside of me that I wasn't honest to God about. So God showed it to me and when I realized it, I've already made a "booboo" out of myself. I've been praying for the guy for two years, to no avail then God just told me to STOP -- after I've already embarrassed myself.
But Jesus, my First Love, is ever so faithful, He always comes to my rescue. So He rescued me again, not condemning me, and our relationship was stronger than ever.
Until this guy came along. A guy whom I now fondly call "Buddy."
Buddy's a good guy. I knew right from the start that he's a friend for keeps. But then, he started getting emo and even when he knew that I didn't want a boyfriend, he still popped the question, "Will you be my girlfriend?"
That made a whole lot of difference. I know he needs some fixing but that's not my job. However, he has this "bondage" with a ring he had with his ex-girlfriend's name engraved on it and it really pisses me off. Actually, that prompted me to blog this. He said he already got rid of that ring but I received a text message from him just a couple of minutes ago telling me that he has it on again. Like, DUH?! Not again. It's good that I'm out of text-load so I couldn't reply to his DUHismic message. He just gave me the reason to put a FULL STOP to our friendship. Why? I just want to spare myself from an ensuing insane emotional cycle with him. No compromises, puhleez.
OK, so we're just friends, but heck, I'm actually beginning to consider the possibility of being with this person for the long haul but, but, but.. God has clearly told me to say "NO" to Buddy's proposal and besides, I can't deal with a man who can't be firm with his emotions. If he can't take a firm resolve with his emotions, how can he deal with mine?
2009 is drawing to a close and I consider it a blessing in disguise that I will be reporting for the 1am shift on January 1, 2010 (that's about an hour from now). I am actually here in the employees' internet lounge, blogging the year away while my family's at home. The view's kinda cool here from the 21st floor. There's fireworks everywhere and the night skyline is a sight to behold.
I was asleep from around 3pm yesterday to about 3am this morning. I spent about 7hours with my First Love, Jesus, in prayer and meditation and it just gave me this renewed confidence on who I am as a woman. I don't need just any man to complete me, I have Christ in whom I live and move and have my being. There is a room in my heart that is only for Him and whoever dares to enter that room is up for misery. However, this relationship I have with Jesus is an Open Relationship: there's always room for one more, and Buddy's most welcome in it. I'm just really disappointed with Buddy wearing that ring again. Arrgh. As the Bible puts it, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."
Buddy, if you've read this, just a piece of advice: For Christ's sake, GET RID OF THAT RING, brother. Leave your irreparable past behind and step onto 2010 - and beyond - with JESUS (and me, if you must!) Stop clinging to the past that hinders your growth as a leader. Step up, man! It's time to shine!
This is NOT a proposal. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A PROPOSAL. I hope I've made myself clear. :)