Three years back, I was given a vision. I didn't think it would be possible. I didn't even think I'm good enough to be entrusted with it in the first place.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure, who can understand it? ~Jeremiah 17:9
I am nobody. Most people perceive me as sweet but little did they know that behind my sweetness was a deceitful heart. I was perceived as a transparent person but most people - and even myself - were unaware that I was full of resentment and pride.
I thought I had no problem in knowing how to love. I thought that as long as my kindness was unconditional, that my mindset was always on "others-first" mode, I'll be fine and I won't be stepping on people's toes, I won't be offending anyone.
I always believed that there IS a God; that there is Someone whom I can talk to when nobody seemed to care or wanted to pay attention. I've always believed, since I was 10, that I am on my way to Heaven; that I was an angel.
I didn't know (or was in denial) that I craved attention. I talked too much, listened very little, and I believed that I'm always on the right side of anything. Anything.
I thought that if I prayed (or constantly talked to that Someone in my mind), things will always turn out to my advantage and I didn't even have to lift a finger.
I've always thought that I was a submissive person, an obedient child and very easy to get along with. It was natural for me to yield my "rights" to others.
Well, I was deceived.
Satan is a very subtle deceiver. He is very keen and very wise. He's a good manipulator and he can sugarcoat anything to his advantage. Before you know it, you're hooked. And sin is all that and much, much more.
Before I met Jesus Christ, I was naturally a kind and patient person who, however, had a boiling temperament, was begrudging, proud, rebellious, promiscuous and suicidal. I never was a conformist. I never wanted to blend with the crowd nor stand out. It seemed that I've always preferred to go where others won't, like what they disliked and did what they wouldn't dare to do.
It wasn't until I graduated from college that I "acquired" all the negative vibes that I can put my hands on. I didn't like experimenting with drugs and cigarettes, but I "practised" vodka and promiscuity. I've had several "secret games" with guys - the qualification of my 'playmates' being S.A.D: single, athletic, discreet. It is only now that I realize how sad it must have been if God didn't love me enough to break me and realize the dire situation I've chosen to put myself into.
I've lost quite a number of good opportunities to be famous - including a stint in a national beauty pageant because of my depravity.
But God is just so good, He had a plan for me way before He laid the foundations of the earth. I realized this in July 2004 when I made a U-turn and re-committed my life to His hands; to go where He wants me to go; to be the lady He has designed me to be.
It is difficult to be a Christian. Contrary to the misguided notion that Christians are just a bunch of people in denial of reality, I speak for myself: I AM a realist because God is so real to me. He isn't just real, He is alive and He is in control. TOTALLY.
People go to great lengths and depths to find meaning, satisfaction, purpose and peace in their lives but it is only in God that these can be found. Anything else is just a temporary, fleeting substitute and there is absolutely no fitting substitute for the love of Christ.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" ~Jeremiah 29:11
God's promises are real and they're not just promises for He is faithful. What He says, He does. I've witnessed many times how He has answered prayers - not in the way I wanted them to be answered but always in a much, much better way - even when most of the time I get disappointed with the results. I realize it happens that way because His Purpose, His Plan will always be a whole lot better than mine. He is more concerned about my character, not my comfort.
Being a Christian is hard but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I am a work in progress, I am in an endurance race and I will PRESS ON. This my gameplan and there's definitely no turning back.