I've painstakingly learned that in order to strike a balance, I have to LET GO of certain things.
The month of June seems like "eons" away but, really, God's timing is a whole lot different from how we human beings view time -- whether it's "time well spent" or "lost time."
I personally believe that in the realm of Christianity, nothing is ever wasted. For far too many times, God has proven His faithfulness to me, turning my mistakes (intentional or not) into wonderful messages.
It's really a wonder that in my desire to serve (and have thus forsaken a good number of material and recreational things for the sake of obedience), God has told me that I haven't really fully obeyed the way He wants me to obey. Yep, talk about hearing God wrongly and/or not fully lifting all weights unto Him, or worse, running away from Him like Jonah. Geewhiz.
So, now, I have taken yet another leap of faith in obedience. He prescribed that in order for me not to get bitter, I'll just have to take one simple, easy solution: resign. For those who are not out-of-the-box thinkers, my exit at this point would seem preposterous and downright inconsiderate. We need more hands, not less, and after seeing the "intestines" of the ministry, why should I exit now?
I am reminded of Einstein: "When the solution is simple, God is answering."
In the meantime, He also reminded me to just make the most out of my stay.
I know lack of sleep has its payoffs: mental (I'm floating!), physical (eyebags, wrinkles, white hair!) and even emotional (mood swings), and only God knows what He'll allow me to undergo as discipline for my stubbornness towards Him and my supervisor in this issue.
And so, I ask my Father for the nth time what I am supposed to do today, a Sunday, when it's almost 4am, I haven't slept a wink and I have to be at work by 7:00am.
CHILL. GOD IS IN CONTROL. JUST SHOW UP, HE'LL DO THE WORK.
What could possibly happen if a person who hasn't slept in the last 24 hours goes on a liquid fast, works through a hectic day (7am to 7pm) dealing with people and the details within the details? That's definitely not a balanced, wisdom-filled life, is it?
If that person is still alive by Monday, I'll "consider it pure joy."
"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." - James 1:2-6